(Return to Part 1)
2:48: And with that, of course, it’s time to meet up with the Klingons.
Wait. What?
Now, I’m not much of a Trekkie, but I’m fairly sure their conflicts with the Federation stem from the Klingons’ absolutely bitchin’ DRM-stripping software. Their out-of-left-field inclusion in this video starts to make more sense when you imagine the following conversation between two SIIA executives:
Exec 1: Our focus group studies indicate that we need to make our next rap video at least 33% edgier.
Exec 2: But wait, aren’t most software pirates nerdy little kids who don’t even listen to the rap musics?
Exec 1: Well, then, throw in some Star Trek. Nerds like Star Trek, right?
2:57: Meanwhile, inside Jason’s limitless imagination, we see him sketching some sort of manga… angel… warrior. Okay, fine, I’m not really into that art style but whatever floats your boat, kid.
2:58: And now he seems to be… tattooing it onto his friend’s arm… Wait a minute…
2:59: Jason is just as shocked as we are to realize that he is giving a prison tat with the sharpened end of a fork. I’m no scholar of prisoner sociology, but I have a funny feeling these guys aren’t into manga either. Jason’s look says more than words ever could. (But if words could, they’d say, “I’m about to get raped by these two men.”)
But not Blondie back there. Blondie watches.
3:00: Wait, they’re going to sweep him to death? Either Oz painted a wildly inaccurate picture of prison life, or we’ve just stepped into a quaint jailhouse musical. Oh, and one more thing…
3:05: …Blondie is terrifying.
3:22: Okay, MC Double-Ply TP. Your eyes are officially creepy. But more importantly, when did this become an advertisement for DeVry?
3:30: Just in case its meaninglessness wasn’t clear the first time around, DP decides to restate and emphasize the fact that you should “walk the line and not get played.” Or maybe that you shouldn’t. I’m not really sure.
3:38: This is perhaps the most unnecessary shot of the whole music video, but it is also the most awesome. They need to start developing Doom Whack-a-mole, like right now.
3:44: I stand corrected. There is nothing more awesome than dancing Klingons.
3:50: Exec 2: We have a problem. It turns out Star Trek references don’t really fit in well with the funky hip-hop vibe of the rest of the video.
Exec 1: Then, I don’t know, just make the Klingons do some kinda dance or something. Christ, do I have to do everyone’s job around here?
3:55: MC Def Leppard goes from creepy to Satanic.
4:12: Well, that’s a wrap, folks! Thanks for reading this article about… wait, what’s this? There’s still time left in the video?
4:15: Obvious giant nerd + High pitched voice + Federal prison… I wonder what his days are like in there. That thought alone should send a chill down the spine of every software pirate out there.
The Serious Stuff
Sorry to bring things down a bit at the end here, but I just wanted to be clear: just because this video is useless, pointless, and really effing funny, doesn’t mean I support or endorse piracy. Yes, software piracy is a crime. But spending boatloads of cash on videos like this is not the solution.
There are deeper issues here than just stopping a few individuals. Piracy is endemic for other reasons. As gamer demands get higher, production standards have to keep up, meaning games are more expensive to produce and have smaller profits, if any. In order to account for this – not to mention in order to account for greed within both publishing and retail – game prices rise to unreasonable levels. Here in Canada, a new AAA title can sell for about $70. That’s just ridiculous, and it’s no wonder so many people turn to Bittorrent.
If you stopped piracy dead in its tracks tomorrow, game sales would rise only marginally. Instead of having scores of people playing pirated games, you’d have scores of people not playing those games at all because they are just too damned expensive to be worthwhile purchases.
But remember, if you walk the line and don’t get played, you’ll end up just as happy as this guy!
