The Armchair Game Designer

It’s a classic formula for hilarity: take an out-of-touch corporate entity and watch as it tries to clumsily appeal to younger generations. Take the original Don’t Copy That Floppy video from, in which two ne’er-do-well kids get a lesson on piracy from the “Digital Protector”. It was lame then, and certainly hasn’t aged well, which of course means it has become an Internet classic. Go watch it now if you haven’t seen it already.

Back? Crazy, right? Who knew AOL made video games…

Anyway, yesterday the gods of Internet humour saw fit to bless us with an overstuffed sequel to “Don’t Copy That Floppy” by the Software & Information Industry Association. Take a look:

After the break, I’ll take you through a magical second-by-second journey through this triumph of corporate ineptitude.

0:02: We begin innocently enough, with four college-aged kids sitting around in the world’s most expensive and well-kept dorm room ever. No doubt all those ferns and wall art were purchased with the ill-gotten gains of piracy.

0:06: “That anti-piracy classic?” Okay, fine, fake TV show. Don’t Copy That Floppy was pretty funny in its time, and getting to watch it again is good for retro comic value.

0:18: The kids have a reaction ripped from the pages of reality: late adolescent ironic indifferent laughter (it’s a thing, look it up.)

0:20: Here we meet Jason, the villain of this cautionary tale. Note the nuanced artwork of himself on the desktop, that in no way makes him look like a cross between Mr. T and Long John Silver.

0:25: The kids suddenly decide to transition from apathetic chuckles to full-body heaves at DP’s antics, and one decides to jokingly warn Jason about the seriousness of his crime. You know, so far, aside from a bad drawing, this is fairly tame stuff and…

0:32: …Wait, WHAT? Did Jason just bust out a “whatevah man” jive-talkin’ line? “Just a copy?” Oh hell no. Shit just got real. Time for Jason to be taught a lesson. A lesson from the streets.

0:40: Meanwhile, in the Lunar Lair Playset (sold separately), evil SIAA spokesman MC Double Def DP prepares to launch his green laser attack against the forces of good…

0:42: My God! Screw James Cameron, this is the true future of 3D right here, folks.

0:44: You can tell by the lens flare that MC-DD-DP means business this time. Maybe now Run-D.M.C. will let him back into the group.

0:46: Somebody call maintenance, DP got stuck inside the Jenny Craig Machine again! Seriously, DP, what’s your secret to staying thin? Oh wait, that’s right, legally purchased software has half the calories of pirated versions. Piracy makes you fat, kids!

0:52: Like Kal-El before him, DP comes crashing to Earth in order to save us from ourselves.

0:57: I can’t even make a joke about the poorly-rendered fake 3D city here. All I can think about is visiting a place called Alfa Red’s.

1:13: Director: “Okay, now you in the middle, have a slight seizure with your hands or something.” You can tell the laughter and laissez-faire attitude here aren’t acting… these kids are quite possibly the only people on set that realize this video is the antimatter of awesomeness.

1:27: You know, so far this video is doing a pretty crappy job of making piracy seem lame. At this point, the only thing cooler than being a pirate is being a pirate who can levitate spinning CDs.

1:44: Remember kids: chicks hate software pirates.

1:48: Either that, or piracy really gets them off. You decide.

1:51: I guess that answers that. This image offers a tableau of both utter sorrow and heartbreak on the left, and a complete lack of compassion for Jason’s pain on the right. A true meditation on youth.

1:55: “Don’t copy that! What? What? Why?” Yeah, tell us DP!

1:58: Oh, it’s a crime you say? Now we see the real danger of piracy; it’s not about losing chicks (and let’s face it, most software pirates have trouble with the ladies for very different reasons, such as a hatred of showers or an extensive Warhammer figurine collection.)

2:00: And now it’s time for “Backup Singer Theatre”, starring the unhappiest people in the universe.

2:05: You can tell he’s a real music producer because he’s messing with the slider things and stuff. It’s all very technical, but right now he’s doing something called “raising the musicality matrix” in order to “bring the noise.”

2:08: No amount of headgear can hide that look of shame and despair over appearing in an anti-piracy music video, good sir. It’s a rare treat to see a man’s credibility and ambition melt away in a single glorious second.

2:14: I stand corrected; it’s obviously not that rare. Right from her first half-assed “Yeah” (obviously sung between sobs), you can tell that this is both the high and low point in this poor girl’s career.

This is great, it’s like watching a snuff film for dreams.

2:24: Did he say “kill a couple of careers” or “kill a couple of Koreans”? I’m pretty sure MC Double Pen is thinking of the wrong kind of pirates.

2:25: Some hard-hitting reporting from the NEWS NEWS TIMES. Wait, this girl made millions pirating warez? Screw working at a summer camp, I’m shipping any kids I have off to Hanoi to make bootleg copies of Daddy Day Camp. I’ll be rich!

2:26: Yes, smile you young criminal mastermind. For your reign of evil is soon at an end.

2:31: There’s some sort of union that requires all pirates to have crappy illustrations pasted over their actual monitor. Also apparently a rule: leaving stacks of fucking hundred dollar bills out in plain sight at your parents’ house.

2:33: Wow, the graphics for this new Counter-Strike game are amazing.

2:34: Enter the mom, quite possibly the greatest music video character since the zombies from Thriller.

2:35: Counter-terrorist Model #1 performs some kung-fu action on mom…

2:37: …only to get beaten off with a wooden spoon. I’m pretty sure they never covered this particular enraged stereotype in SWAT training.

2:40: “They may take our lives, but they will never take our spaghetti!”

2:43: Pirate mom takes quite an awkward tumble…

2:44: …and is immediately covered in her own filth. The forgotten victims of piracy: hygiene and pasta.

2:46: As if we didn’t already want to beat that snot-nosed grin off Warez Weasel’s face, she once again proves to be a terrible human being with a total lack of human compassion.

Here’s a quiz for kids. Your mother has just been dragged off by heavily armed men in ski masks because you did something wrong. Do you:

a)     Fall into the fetal position and weep uncontrollably?

b)    Seek penance for your crimes in order to set her free?

c)     Make a dickish “Whoops” face and smile clumsily?

If you answered A or B, congratulations! You have a soul.

(Coming up next: Klingons!)

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